worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
