Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
