one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
