I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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