You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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