so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
