there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
