Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
