Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
