Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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