Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
