I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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