Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
