Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
