sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
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