dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
