why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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