and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
