He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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