Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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