1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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