Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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