This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
