i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
