Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
