Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
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