Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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