I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
