i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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