you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
