He kissed a someone with a penis
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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