I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
