the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
