I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
