My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
The struggles of a small town man whore
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
