I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
