I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
