Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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