oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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