When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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