im having a threesome with these popsicles
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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