I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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