your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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