but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
