New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
