hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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