Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
