whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
