so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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