I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
