I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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