my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
