Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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