Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
