There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
